Nothing lasts forever...well...almost nothing!

I vividly remember the first time (as long as my memory goes) I got hurt real bad by a friend. The place when she was saying all the bad things to me and I was simply crying (Oh I used to be expert at that!). That day, that hurt was center of my existence then. And at that moment I felt I will never forget this hurt. 

~~chuckles~~. Now that I look back, I have  a good laugh at the incident and how I felt soooo immensely about it and how I thought it would stay with me “forever”. And then came many incident I felt equally strong about which I thought would stay with me forever like “the way my heart used to melt every time I looked at my first crush”, “that big fight with my best friend”, “that first kiss”, “leaving my parents to come to Pune”, “that first salary”, “that first confrontation with loss of loved ones”, “the bliss feeling when I first looked at the blue water of Maldives”…the list can go on! Many of these would also feel very petty to you when you now look at it, but Gosh those were center of my universe then, something I thought would stay with me forever be the it Love, the pain, the loss, the anger, the frustration…. Did it? Offcourse it didn’t, you like it or not “nothings stays forever”. Offcourse I remember the incidents but it doesn’t inflict any strong emotion in me. Surely not with the strong intensity it was then.

I remember a friend of mine saying one “You know, memories are fading, the intensity is fading, I don’t even remember her face now, its fading. Memories are not enough, they are fading. I thought I could live on her memories alone, but looks like I cant, memories are fading too, I need to move on!” These were words from a person who loved immensely and lost her…like forever…. And that day, that very day I felt, nothing lasts forever…. It cannot, its not practical and I believe for everyone’s good it should not!

Funny enough, we say life is too short to hold grudges but its long enough to help us forget those grudges and just move on! Irony of life I must say.

Well, it’s a bad news but trust me it’s a good news too. Bad news because I wanna feel what it felt like being on the top of Switzerland’s peak but I just cannot! Bad news because I want to remember that every “first time” in life but I cannot, surely not with the same intensity! Bad news because I wish I cud trap all the wonderful memories in a box called mind and just replay them every time I felt like, note by note…emotion by emotion. Well bad news, I cannot! But the good side, I don’t get to remember the heart breaks ;), the hurt, the grudges, having hurt someone (as I am of opinion, getting hurt is always easy to forget than hurting someone), the pain, the sadness, the trauma. Well there is advantages of this “buggy” feature of my mind, I get to happily forget all the horrible memories, the memories I don’t want, rather I don’t need to carry baggage of!

Such is human nature, such are we evolved, to keep the past behind, not cling to it for happiness or pain and just move on! Its beauty and beast at the same time. Never ceases to amaze me and give me more and more reason to chuckle at myself with the same thought every time “What was I thinking then!!!” It’s a necessary evil, aint it!?!

The Happy faces! The Proud faces!

 Remember this happiness, this relieved feeling.... The feeling that we have accomplished it and there's no stopping us! Here comes the board result and with it the newspaper filled with such happy and content faces. Look at the deadly combination of innocence, happiness and proud feeling....its rare. Ever thought what must be going through their minds... I find some strange kind of happiness looking at those pics which I cannot define, but I just genuinely feel happy. May be these pics connect me back to my memories...the board exam results!

Board exam, the most dreaded devil, the one which our parents repeatedly told us would define us and our Future and we believed them :). I remember giving everything I had to these board exams, the 10th std and more so for the 12th std. Those odd hours of study, the tension, those ambitions.

12th std board exam, that's the most ambitious I ever felt, that's the most effort I have ever put to achieve something. There was this powerful driving force driving me, the biggest being to make my parents proud, the second being to get admission in my dream college, the third being see my picture in the newspaper and last being to prove myself I have it and that I can do it!

And then the "judgement day", the results day, the most awaited yet dreaded day. As its always with me, I can hardly eat any food when I am in tension, I hardly talk and that day was no different. And then the unbelievable result...all the hard work being paid off and all the Goals achieved! That's the happiest and most proud I felt about myself till date! Me and my parents could not stop smiling...the way they looked at me....that feeling is priceless...can never forget their faces. That day I felt maybe...just maybe...I could payback, although in a small way, for all that they have done for me... Then started the gifts and sweets being showered by all the loved ones... I was on cloud 9! The felicitations, the attention...wow!

But the BEST moment is when my Dad told me "Till now I was known as Dr.Nawandar....today is my proudest moment as I am being known as my daughter's Dad". Tell me... can any happiness, any gifts, anything ever compare to this.... No wonder I feel so happy looking at those happy faces, the parent's proud faces...it just connects me to my best memories till date, somethings I will cherish and take inspiration from all my life...

Now why I am sharing all this. No sir! I am not bragging, just sharing my most precious memories. And with this wondering where did the heady zest go, why I never felt the same at any other point in my life. If we look back we know we have achieved many more things than the 12th board exam but never felt the same happiness.... Wondering why... what is that we have lost growing old.... Got to hunt it down!

Lets get liberalized in its true sense

It all started running through my mind when an intern friend from IIT B commented in a party, “Its difficult to be a girl in an IIT. If you achieve something guys say it must be Easy. And if you cannot do something, you are a girl, its not your cup of tea”. I found it humiliating and was very angry at first and I almost immediately told her don’t worry we will prove everyone otherwise. And I realized there it starts! The struggle to find your place in this male dominated society (Yes I say that and I stand by it because atleast for this generation it’s a fact in India. Things have improved but its still a fact.) The constant struggle to prove yourself and does that end only at workspace…no…that attitude continues and you wanna prove yourself at home as a good home maker, then when you have kid you got to prove you can be a wonderful mother too! Are we not expecting too much of ourselves, trying to balance everything and expecting to excel bloody everywhere?

And then there is this "unsaid" perception of this 21st century society that you are a “new age” and “complete” woman only if you strikes the balance between home and office. And in pursuit to get this recognition, we stretch ourselves so much and try to prove yes we can do it all! To me it feels like too much of pressure and burden. At workspace whenever any women is getting recognition, it always mentioned she has kids, family, home and balancing everything as if that’s one of the criteria to get that recognition. I am not denying the fact that ofcourse it’s a tough job. But if you choose not to
do this why it makes you any less an achiever in life. But it’s always portrayed so and many of us fall prey to it.

But the burden does not necessarily come from society or outside world. We Women are cursed with this big emotion “Guilt”. I know this friend of mine who was had a successful career and then left job to take care of the child. She is giving complete love and care to child and on top of it I always see her going out of way to do things that her husband loves. She gets tired and frustrated but still continues doing it. One day I asked her to take a chill pill. I told her, ask your husband to help you and he must understand even if some things are not done his way. And then she said “Are! he works so much and supports family, I am just sitting home, I can do atleast this much” and I realized it’s a not a request coming from husband, it’s a self-imposed burden! Guilt of not contributing to family financially. Again expecting too much of ourselves! Why we women do this to ourselves?! We are our biggest critic!

So much of stress is taxing us, the abortion rate has increased drastically and you ask doctors, they contribute it to our stressful life style. More and more women are falling prey to depression. Why all this, to be looked at as “21st century women” or to find position and respect in male dominated society or we are just groomed to expect more of ourselves!

I am not saying its bad to try and balance everything. No way! But lets do it only if we feel like. Not because everyone else is doing it. And more importantly I am saying that if you by choice or by circumstances cannot do it, there is no need to feel any lesser or feel guilty. If you are a career oriented women and cannot be a good home maker, its so ok! Why feel guilty?! We, the women of this generation should embrace this attitude and only then can we pass this to our daughters. Because there is need to feel liberated, to be burdened with our own expectations with ourselves is not the right way to live. We need to groom our sons that your mother/wife can very well be a careerist and you should be ok with it and rather support her. And actions speak louder than words. We need to embrace this attitude ourselves first without feeling guilty about it. Its only then we will achieve equality in true sense.

I wish I could believe in something called GOD!

Disclaimer: This blog is not meant to defame GOD or disrespect any who believe in HIM. These are strictly my opinion.

I was once a believer in GOD. Actually, I wont call myself a believer as I thought of HIM as per my convenience, mostly when I was in trouble ;). But I never had anything against him. I had a good equation with HIM, a convenient one.

And then Life started unfolding...bit by bit...and my "so-called" belief in HIM started fading. I would contribute it partly to my atheist husband. My relation with God saw its phases from believing --> to hating --> to don't care --> to non-believing and now you can, very well, call me an atheist!
But there are days when I miss believing in some external entity, lets say God. I miss believing "blindly" on something as it has its own advantages. If I would be believer I would have done the following:
If something bad happens:
    - God why did you do this to me?
    - God will set it all right.
    - I must have done something wrong to deserve this.
If you do some mistake:
    - I am sorry God, please forgive me. Seek solace in Him.
If you are happy/achieved something
    - Thanks you God! Its all because of your blessings.

Be it happiness, victory, loss, sadness, guilt... Be it any emotion and you have something/someone to share it with. You alone are not responsible for your life. This also comes with fear of HIM, secretly forcing you to tame the animal in us and hopefully to do whats right.

I see so many believers going through bad times in their life and still saying with a calm face "God will set it right". Boss! At times, I envy such blind faith and strength that they derive from it! Total respect!

As for an atheist, the poor chap (by choice), he has to draw all the strength from within as he has held himself responsible to overcome/face/enjoy all the emotions alone.
There are no complaints when things are good. But as sadness strikes, he must draw courage to face it and eventually (now that's the hard part) find "hope" too. When he makes mistakes, he has to be the whole and sole bearer of guilt. He has no one to say sorry to and ask for forgiveness. He must forgive himself, which by the way is not easy as it seems/sounds. He must always keep up his antenna and should be honestly able to judge whats right and wrong as no fear is driving his actions (except of loved ones).
This affair can get really taxing and I at times I secretly wish if I could "blindly" share responsibility of my life with an "Almighty" like entity.

But is this enticing enough to make me a believer in HIM? I don't think so! Being an atheist is making me stronger than ever. YES, I make mistakes but I learn, learn, I always learn and I will keep learning. I am responsible for all my mistakes and hence I am the only person responsible to set it right. My sadness is only mine to have and hence I must find the happiness from within to overcome it. And my victory, my happiness, I don't need to share or attribute it to someone. Not a bad deal I say! What say you?

P.S. Its my way of life and my opinion. No pun intended.

Conversation with an "Enlightened one"!

The sudden and unexpected demise of friend taught me that life is unpredictable and that we should live it NOW. But it was easy said that done. My mind registered only that “life is unpredictable” and forgot that “we should live it NOW” and on top of it the unpredictability imbibed fear in my mind and heart. The fear of the unpredictable. The fear of losing loved ones. The fear of what's next. And I became over possessive for my loved ones.

I am very lucky person to have an “Enlightened One” in my life. Who was silently observing my behavior and one day decided to fill my mind with his words which he knows wont be acted on immediately but will surely be thought upon and eventually acted upon (All thanks to my super ego with him! ;)).

I would like to share the conversation with the “Enlightened One” for its worth sparing a couple of minutes on.

“Enlightened One”: I see that something is wrong with you.

Me: Me? Really? What did I do?

“Enlightened One”: Ohk! You know it well but you want to hear it from meJ. Your wish my command! I see you are not the fearless girl I knew. I see your mind imagines and see and fear all it should not. I see you want control of life and have become possessive in that pursuit. I see negativity has creeped in your thought and is making you do all these things. You are such an intelligent woman! Why are you troubling yourself?

Me: (Completely caught off-guard) What made you think so Mr.”I know everything”?

“Enlightened One”: Oh come on! Keep your ego aside gal and think. I know you know. It’s the fear of unpredictable which is causing you to track where I am almost every hour especially when I am travelling. You have become much more anxious and possessive.

Me: Others would have called it “Love”…

Me: And you tell me one thing. Wont you be afraid if I go out with my girlfriends and do not return home really late.

“Enlightened One”: I would be concerned but not afraid!

Me: Care to explain the difference?

“Enlightened One”: I would be concerned about you and will try to track you down. But I wont think all the negative shit like ”what would have happened to you?” etc. as it not under my control!

Me: Really? What are you some saint! Is it not normal to think about “What would have happened” when you are concerned about someone?

“Enlightened One”: No dear its not. Its a choice. Whats the use of me thinking what would have happened to you when I cant control it. It would just imbibe fear. Wont it?

Me: Does that mean you do not fear losing me… L

“Enlightened One”: Don’t get me wrong. I love you lots and if I lose you, I will go crazy. But do I spend whatever life I have with you fearing what if I lose you? No. I would better spend that time “living” life with you.

Me: ….

“Enlightened One”: Look, please do not doubt how much I love you. All I am trying to tell you that be it me or anyone else you are close to, leave the fear of losing them aside as you cannot control it. What you can control is how you spend quality life with them. Be concerned but not worried. You get it?

Me: (Knowing each of his word is bloody truth but still hesitant) hmmmm

“Enlightened One”: In fact I believe when I die people should not cry on my funeral. They should be jealous of what life I lived! We will LIVE the life we have and die as content person whenever the death chooses us. So stop worrying, start living!

Such is the "Enlightened One" in my life. He knows me and hits my thought spot on! And no price for guessing who he is :) And the more important thing is he practice what he preaches.

Life is really beautiful when you have such wonderful people around you. So the message again is "Just Live it to fullest" and yes I am working in that direction too :)

Illusions...

We all live in the world of Illusions.
A world created by us, by our own beliefs, by our own thoughts. And we believe we are the creator of our destiny, our future. We think we can control everything.

Me...., I was of the same belief, njoying every moment. Feeling proud that I took decisions of my life created my own destiny. Made choice from given options and the right choice. I thought that this is how life goes, that we have the choice and everything happens for some reason and ultimately for good.

But, one fine day my belief system was completely shaken. I realized, there is something we never thought of, we never imagine and we dont have control over. The ultimate truth, DEATH.
I lost a very close and dear friend, she died for no mistake of her, for no reason. And suddenly all plans made by her, her husband, her parents....everything was gone for toss in a fraction of second. And she...she had no choice....

My practical thought process could not accept or find any reason why it should have happened to her. Before this I thought that fate is the matter of probability. But her death's probability was 1/1000000000000....0000. How can one justify such probability?

Me n my belief system are completely shaken from inside.... I have tried hard to come in terms with the situation. But her pretty face, her effervescent smile comes in front of me and I am forced to think, why?????? why her....

But now having seen death so closely I can say, we live in world of illusions, with very few things in our control. So just live in present, "live in this moment".

Offcourse you try and make ur future as  secure as possible, you try and plan it as much as possible. But in that process dont forget to live in present. As "this" is the only moment we have control over.

Life is too short to hate or crib about something or someone. Love urself and ppl around you. Live life every day....

They say pain is must as thats how you learn and understand importance of things. I could not agree more....

Kites in the sky....

Hey,
As obvious as is the title. Its the review of the movie Kites.

Why did I feel the need to write the review because everybody else is cursing, blaming the movie. Media is mocking at Hrirtik's acting too. I was like, Wats wrong!!! I am sure it is more of a Viral effect...

Yes, I dont feel I am different because I liked the movie. The movie is not super-fantastic but its not bad too....

Kites HAS a story
It has a REALISTIC end (unlike typical bollywood love stories)
Hritik and Babara acted really well, they look super cute and lovely. At no point in the movie I felt the acting is not good (Forget Kangana Ranaut and rest fo the cast I am just not talking about them). The last scene acting of Hritik was just mind blowing.......
The stunts and chase sequence were a bit unrealistic but if we accept and agree with similar hollywood shit why not the bollywood one?? Atleast they were neat. At that point one may feel that the movie is dragging.

I liked the editing, the story-telling, the transition between past-present.

They did a superb job of conveying a love story between two people who dont know each other's language. It was all said by their expressions (offcourse ans sub-titles were necessary at times).

Music is good. Some people blamed the background score too!!!!!!!!

I believe high expectation set by Hritik himself for the movie worked against him. I think people were expecting a bit too much all the time and forgot to njoy the movie.

I liked the movie. I found it to be simple love story. A few action sequences could have been avoided. Rest of the star cast didnt act well. But I was not in mood to pay attention to them :D. The movie could have been shorter though.
(* No, I dont have any soft corner for Hritik!! *)

My rating - 3.5/5

P.S. : These are strictly My views about the movie :)