I wish I could believe in something called GOD!

Disclaimer: This blog is not meant to defame GOD or disrespect any who believe in HIM. These are strictly my opinion.

I was once a believer in GOD. Actually, I wont call myself a believer as I thought of HIM as per my convenience, mostly when I was in trouble ;). But I never had anything against him. I had a good equation with HIM, a convenient one.

And then Life started unfolding...bit by bit...and my "so-called" belief in HIM started fading. I would contribute it partly to my atheist husband. My relation with God saw its phases from believing --> to hating --> to don't care --> to non-believing and now you can, very well, call me an atheist!
But there are days when I miss believing in some external entity, lets say God. I miss believing "blindly" on something as it has its own advantages. If I would be believer I would have done the following:
If something bad happens:
    - God why did you do this to me?
    - God will set it all right.
    - I must have done something wrong to deserve this.
If you do some mistake:
    - I am sorry God, please forgive me. Seek solace in Him.
If you are happy/achieved something
    - Thanks you God! Its all because of your blessings.

Be it happiness, victory, loss, sadness, guilt... Be it any emotion and you have something/someone to share it with. You alone are not responsible for your life. This also comes with fear of HIM, secretly forcing you to tame the animal in us and hopefully to do whats right.

I see so many believers going through bad times in their life and still saying with a calm face "God will set it right". Boss! At times, I envy such blind faith and strength that they derive from it! Total respect!

As for an atheist, the poor chap (by choice), he has to draw all the strength from within as he has held himself responsible to overcome/face/enjoy all the emotions alone.
There are no complaints when things are good. But as sadness strikes, he must draw courage to face it and eventually (now that's the hard part) find "hope" too. When he makes mistakes, he has to be the whole and sole bearer of guilt. He has no one to say sorry to and ask for forgiveness. He must forgive himself, which by the way is not easy as it seems/sounds. He must always keep up his antenna and should be honestly able to judge whats right and wrong as no fear is driving his actions (except of loved ones).
This affair can get really taxing and I at times I secretly wish if I could "blindly" share responsibility of my life with an "Almighty" like entity.

But is this enticing enough to make me a believer in HIM? I don't think so! Being an atheist is making me stronger than ever. YES, I make mistakes but I learn, learn, I always learn and I will keep learning. I am responsible for all my mistakes and hence I am the only person responsible to set it right. My sadness is only mine to have and hence I must find the happiness from within to overcome it. And my victory, my happiness, I don't need to share or attribute it to someone. Not a bad deal I say! What say you?

P.S. Its my way of life and my opinion. No pun intended.