Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The Indebted Generation

Just few days back I saw an impressive documentary “The World Before Her”, in that a strong independent charismatic girl justifies the fact that once when she lied to her parents, her father hit her leg with a burning iron rod. Her reply was “It’s his right, after all he decided to give birth to me and let me live even though I am a girl”. And the casualness with which she justified it, you know she believe in it to the core and is indebted to her father forever and will justify his wrongdoing forever! THIS part of the documentary struck me, it struck me hard, because I realized that its not only her, I and many more such women of our generation are indebted for so many things that are our right. I call this generation of women, "the indebted generation”.

I myself from the core of my heart am indebted that my father decided to send me to a bigger city for education. I am indebted to the fact that he always treats me like his boy. I am indebted that my husband let me pursue my career. I am indebted that he respects my identity and treats me like an equal. I am indebted that he has never stopped me from wearing the clothes I want to wear. Hush! So many things to be indebted for…. But I genuinely feel that and there is no getting away from that feeling.

But the question is should I feel indebted? If I had the talent and earned marks enough that I deserved to get the education at better place, is it not my right? If my parents gave birth to both me and my brother with all their wish and heart and love, is it not my right to be given same treatment as my brother? Doing job, being respected as a person, having freedom to do what I want and wear what I want, these all are my rights, my basic rights. Then why do I still feel the burden. Why do I still ask my husband, “are you sure I can wear this”, although I know he will always say yes. Why this guilt, why this burden? Have you even seen or heard a guy saying “My parents sent me to this better college for education, oh I am so grateful!” or “My father allowed me this overnight stay, he is so wonderful!” or “My wife allowed me to wear this shorts, I could not have asked for better wife!”. No they don’t. I don’t blame them; they are behaving the way they should. It’s their RIGHT, same as its ours.

But then why are we burdened with this guilt? Because nobody, neither my father, nor my husband asked me to be indebted, then from where does this strong feeling come? A little thought and the answer presents itself before us! Women have been oppressed historically. They have been deprived of their basic rights. I would call the previous generation or all the generations before couple of generations as “oppressed generation”. They were just followers; they had no right, no say. We have grown up seeing such women, such situations. So whatever freedom we are getting is BONUS, right! We feel we don’t deserve this and it’s a gift that we are getting from our life. We feel indebted!

What’s the problem with being indebted you say. I say "feeling indebted while exercising your basic right", feels right? Because then we justify wrong things right; I have seen women justifying the wrong doing of the man when she should not have. Because then it reflects everywhere, in our confidence in job; we get easily happy with what we got; we don’t feel we deserve more than that. It reflects in the way you lead your life etc. It reflects subconsciously in so many things…

A little gratitude is always good; my problem is not with that. But attributing something and someone for our basic rights, THAT needs to change. And that change is difficult; I can feel the resistance inside me while I am even writing this blog. However hard I try I might still be forever indebted to the wonderful men in my life. But there is hope, slowly and surely the next generations of women will get out of this burden and live freely. Our daughters will look up to us and hopefully won’t feel unnecessarily indebted for anything for that matter .She will lead a free life and will choose her path, her life and lead it with a much more boosting confidence than we do. I will look forward to that day J


And lastly I would take this opportunity to convey respect to all the wonderful men who have the courage to change and accept change. They are indeed a catalyst in our growth, for making the shift from oppressed generation to indebted generation. Thanks guys!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Scar is Inevitable, Pain is Optional

Trust me when I say, I know what I am talking about.

All of us face a situation in life one/multiple times when the "painful" side of Life slap us with big jolt and we feel our life is shattered. That jolt leaves a 'scar' in our Life and then the pain takes over. Pain is pain, be it big or small. I always say to each one his/her own. One cannot and should not compare pain of one person with another, it would be idiotic to do so.

There are some things on which we have control in Life and others we don't. We have no control over the circumstances but we definitely have control over how to react to it, how long to brood about it and off course how early to come out of it. When we are scarred, follows the pain and with pain comes self-pity which inflicts more pain. Being in self-pity mode is apparently very easy and comfortable. Its comfortable I say because its definitely easier than being strong and face and fight situation. When people around you see you feeling bad for yourself, they also start feeling bad for you. There comes "sympathy". Sympathy is equally comforting but not healthy at all! Sympathy in turn leads to more self-pity. Thus we get stuck in the vicious cycle of self-pity in attempt of not facing pain only to increase the duration of pain in longer run.

I am not by any means suggesting that don't feel pain, that don't share pain. I am never in support of denying emotions ever in my life. I am the most emotional one and my closed one will swear by it. All I am requesting is don't fall prey to the comfortable couch of self-pity for long duration. Look around, identify your blessings. I understand its not easy but that's what makes it important. Count your blessings. Stop others from feeling bad for you, it doesn't help AT ALL. Rather show them how Life should be lead, make them proud of you (not that it matters what others think of you). There will be a set of people who will think of you as 'heartless' for battling pain so soon and trying to be happy. Such sadistic people are in abundance, don't let them inflict guilt in you for trying to be happy and moving on so fast.


Pain will take its time to go away. And however hard you try it will keep showing up at your door again and again. Everything takes time, but how much time is what you can control and I truly believe in it. The 'scar' will be there and initially will keep reminding you of pain, will imbibe fear in you. You have to battle it. But in longer run that 'scar' should remind you of how bravely you fought you pain and not of how miserable you were.

Time heals everything they say, I agree. But the point is no one dictates "how much" time, only YOU can.
I Believe!