Show me their faces, I demand!

Sigh, we are slapped with “yet another” gang-rape. And it enrages me deeply, so intensely, beyond all possible explanations. I just feel so vulnerable and I know each woman in this country shares this emotion with me. So what do I do about it, I try and avoid reading or writing about it, I didn't read news-papers for a few days after such incidents. Even otherwise if I see any mention of rape I turn blind eye on that news. I pretend that its not affecting me, I am still the fearless Komal I knew, I am still “free” and woman of 20^th century who can achieve anything a man can and be the way she wants to be and go where she wants to go and when she wants to.

I assume the plan has worked out fine for me until  one fine day I have a face-off with my pretension. While me and my husband are hiking on a nearby hill, he said “Lets be adventurous” and suggested we climb down the hill from the road less taken from a forest patch. For the fear of not being looked at unadventurous and fattu I reluctantly agreed. All the 20-30 minutes that we were climbing down I was on lookout all the time, the lookout was not for I might encounter snake or reptile or wild animal for that matter. I was on lookout was for the most dangerous of all animals…human. And I realized what became of me…a woman who cannot even climb down a silly hill without the fear of being “gang-raped” for that matter. Paralyzed…concerned…afraid…fattu… that’s what has become of me. Funny enough I cannot even trust what seem to be school going boys. Even the “so-called” minors are capable of such horrendous act. Irony, how can they be called bloody “minors “ if they are capable of doing what they did….

And why don’t I feel afraid, I have no one I can trust. When those, the protector of society, the police don’t think even once before asking questions like “what was that girl doing there” as if being and walking free is only the birth right of men. I just wanted to be adventurous, use my birth right of freedom… but such answers won’t be good enough for them. And why do I feel safe when even I hear news of the police gang raping women in their custody. You know what, I don’t even know which side I would prefer to go if I have “gang-rapists” on one side and “police” on another. I honestly don’t know the answer.

No offence meant here, I know good police men exist, just like good men exist but how am I to trust one…please answer me. And on top of it, you hide faces of such devils. I see TV hoping I get to see what such devils look like. I want to look in their eyes and see what cruelty lies in there. I want to see because I want to remember that look and hopefully identify the “rapist” category of people and beware of them. I would like to believe that they are not normal human beings. They cannot be normal looking human beings, can they? How is one of us capable of such hideous act! Just the thought of the act run shivers down my spine. How can they? No, they cannot be normal looking human beings. They must be having those devilish red eyes, or the horns coming out of their head. I want to believe so and I want to verify that, show me their faces, I demand. 

Alas… I know I would be disappointed… I know they are no different… I know they look like one of us…however hard it is for me to believe but I know they are unidentifiable…they don’t stand out, they are simply one of us! There is no way I can identify them…and possibly protect myself. They can be anytime, anywhere ready to pounce on any of us the moment they get the chance…. That saddens me beyond anything…. I am not safe…I am not free…I can trust NO ONE!

And why they have the privilege of hiding their face. They don’t deserve it! Their face need to be seen by everyone and I say why only face, they must be brought in public and should be paraded naked for that matter! Should they not be given the same treatment they gave to the poor helpless girl…. I know this is not going to happen in this “democratic” country. But the only way to control these animals is to imbibe fear in them and many others in their category. I don’t think we can imbibe “respect for women” in them by any means. No ways, for their act and their mentality, this seems to be a far-fetched idea to me! They should be treated as the act they did, like animals. I think even animals must be feeling ashamed for being compared to these devils.

I have stopped thinking why they do this, its beyond me to justify or reason such acts. I don’t care what and when stringent laws would be implemented and followed for that matter. All I want to feel is “safe”, all I want to be is “free”. All I want is not to worry for my mother, sisters, aunts, daughters…if they would reach home safely every day. All I want is peace of mind. How long do I wait before I get it…..

If I die tomorrow

Don’t worry guys, I am “still” sane and let me assure you I am not planning to die anytime soon. I am there to bug you guys as long as life allows me…But a thought crossed my mind many times…If I die tomorrow.

I get some sweet satisfaction thinking about how my closed ones would react if I die tomorrow. Earlier I thought I the only psycho case. But then I was stunned to find that many people have thought about it “atleast” once and I judged myself to be not as crazy as I think I am ;)

When I think about my death, I think of all the people who would be shocked and would be crying… Then I go to length of imagining what would be reaction of all my closed ones…one by one…in as much detail as my imagination goes. Then I imagine some of my friends posting on Facebook about how “good a person” I was (as after someone’s death you generally don’t put bad things about them even if you want ;)  :D). I have managed to be very dumb and earned some people who, I think, would be happy at my death and I also think about them. I think of all the “good” things people might have to say on my funeral. Yes sir, I do that and I know many of us does that.

I understand its a facet of my imagination but to be honest, I smile while I am thinking of the aftermath of my death because that makes me feel good about myself. Be it in my imagination but I know I am important to people and I "self-certify" myself to be worth mourned for. And somewhere deep I am confident that I have earned myself at least few people who would be crushed by my death, few more people who would genuinely feel sad, and some more who would at least for a day feel bad that I am gone. And we all know that about ourselves and we all have earned these people with different level of closeness and concern about us. I also know that eventually everybody would move on and I would be a memory... fading with a greater speed every day. I know that’s lot of sadism to take, but then boss, fact is fact.

But then I think even if things happen in all the pompous way I imagine it to be, it would be such a waste! It would be such a grand grand waste! All those people would have all the good things and the bad things and all the memories with me to talk about but alas... I won’t be there to listen to it all…. What’s the use talking about that person when he is gone, it would be so much better if we communicate more now. How much sense would it make to value that person when he is long gone, never to return ever again, better say each other how much you value them now. Whats the use of feeling I wish I could I could once explain things to him/her and say her sorry when the other person won’t be able to listen to you, why not just pick up that silly phone and do it now. Now is the key, for all we know the loved one might possibly be gone tomorrow and all the things would be left unsaid. Express, communicate all your feelings now for once the person is gone, you how much ever you try….you won’t reach him/her.

There was this friend of mine whom I lost all of a sudden and then I felt such a void…. I kept feeling I wish I could invite her for the last outing we went to…. I wished I could tell her she was such a wonderful person with such a lively smile. In desperation to communicate to her, even after her death, I kept writing to her for a while hoping I could reach her… off course I could not….

There is this sweet book I was reading a while ago called “Tuesdays with Morrie” which is about a professor, Morrie, who is contracted by a fatal disease and about the lessons of life he gives to one of his very dear student, Mitch, every Tuesday. In that book Morrie told Mitch about how he attended funeral of a friend and all the people there had so many good things and so many memories to share about his friend. “He would have so much loved to hear it all, it was such a waste!” he said. Morrie knew he would be dying soon, so he kept his funeral before he died where all his loved ones came and shared all the memories with him. He could hear it all before he died… everything they had to say.

Not all are fortunate/unfortunate enough to know when they would die. Like Morrie, not everybody would get a chance to attend his pre-funeral funeral. Now is the time people. We are so busy with our “routine”, we take so many things for granted. But most of all we take time for granted. Time flies, it won’t wait. Love, Live, Express, say Sorry, Praise    and most of all Value what you have.

Your children are not your children

I was introduced to this amazing book by a dear friend when I needed it the most. Its called "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. Its one beautiful book and talks about many aspects of life. The more I am reading it, the more its becoming the source of guidance for me, my bible.
There is no mushiness about this book, just facts! Let me stop here as I am in awe of this book and can keep going on and on about it. Just to summarize, imagine, you start reading that book and the first line says "Life is difficult".

Anyways, in various chapters the various aspects and impacts of parents-child relationship are thoroughly discussed. I am not a parent yet but I do aspire to be one and when I would be one, may this book be the guiding force for me.
At one such place in the book is this beautiful poem which I had this dire need to capture and share with you guys, for all Parents and for all Parents to be.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and
 He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

- The Prophet

Shades of grey...

Is anything in life “black” or “white” or just shades of grey!?

Perspective, opinion, impression, conclusion… All of these are very heavy words but we all in no time come up with values for all the above words. It is our basic nature, we all do that, we also have  a fancy term for this “the first impression”.

We look at every situation from our own ‘glasses’, the ‘glasses’ whose number is decided by our own share of experiences and whose shade is decided by the nature of experiences. What these glasses do, they look at the situation and declare it “right” or “wrong”. Is our perspective enough to judge the situation? How many of us take the efforts to look at the situation from another person’s perspective? We might be trying to, but then how many times could we actually successfully do it? When you try and look at a situation from someone else’s glasses that you might realize that its neither “right” nor “wrong”, neither “white” nor “black” but just shades of grey!

Let’s take an example, we see a lady wearing short dress and smoking and drinking in the pub and we immediately conclude “ ill-mannered, ill-cultured, selfish babe”! Is it always true? Do we really know her as a person? Are we not being too harsh on her? Are we not stereotyping her? Someone might say, what’s the problem with me judging her, I mean her no harm. Now imagine next day you go to office and the same lady is the new joinee in your team and as your colleague. Now by judging her already, you have created a perception about her and her every action and effort would be viewed with some prejudice. It would take a while before that prejudice would change and the harm might be already done by then. Is it fair for you and/or for the other person for that matter?

Let me take another example of a situation I went through very recently. I was having bad time and a particular bad day where I was hurt by expectations I had from closed ones. I decided I would go for a massage and entered the spa irritated and skeptical about how the masseur would be. The masseur comes and she is a thin very lady with minimum hygiene and with what seemed to me to a septic eye infection. I was all furious and almost felt like crying over my bad luck. In that rage, I didn’t greet her and replied to her queries in mono-syllable. But then I went inside, while I got my 5 minutes to change, I made a conscious decision to not let my “first impression” rule my massage experience. “I came here to de-stress myself and not to judge someone for next 1 hour or so” is what I told myself. So I took a 5 minutes effort and strike a conversation with her about her experience, her education, her background and in the entire process calling her by her first name(which by the way makes a huge difference). I immediately realized she is very qualified in her field and what I thought of as septic eye infection is her lost eye…. She had achieved all that she had with a single eye…. I felt so thankful that I took that 5 minute to understand her, to strike chord with her, to connect with her. And not to mention she was highly skilled and I had an amazing massage experience. I also praised her at the end for her massage and the smile on her face was priceless. I saved myself from a troubled experience and her from a rude client :D. All it took was 5 minutes of effort to look at things from her perspective…to understand her.

Do I manage to do it every time, hell no! I am always in too much of hurry to come to conclusion especially with loved ones. My husband is the one who suffers the most from my prejudices, my conclusions, my paradigm. But I have realized that all it takes to save both party trouble is 5 minutes of pure thinking, 5 minutes of listening. Is listening enough or there’s more to it? I did this course my manager thought I should. There were few take aways from it, very important ones. They asked a simple questions, “How many times do we listen with the intent of listening and not with the intent of speaking/reacting?”, “How many times do we simply try to understand the other person’s emotions without being judgmental about it from our own set of paradigm?”. I honestly thought about it and was surprised that its bloody true, I seldom do that. As soon as some person starts to share his/her problem with me, I start looking at it from my glasses and even the suggestions or advice I give is what my glasses suggest me. Why I don’t just listen, try and understand the situation from the other person’s perspective. Why can’t I simply remove my glasses and listen empathetically? Empathy is missing…. And without empathy even if I take those 5 minutes to understand the person or the situation I would do so from my glasses. All efforts wasted.

You must have noticed that how the perspective towards a particular situation changes as soon as we experience it! Reason, our glasses now have stored that experience as “right” as opposed to “wrong” (or vice-versa) that it was earlier. But we all are not fortunate enough to have experienced everything in the world and hence won’t always get chance to modify our perspective on many situations. So I suggest, take  a moment, be empathetic, look at the situation from the other person’s ‘glasses’. Your vision might not suddenly change from “black” to “white” or vice-versa but you might realize the shades of grey which you never thought existed.

Once you realize there is nothing like “right” or “wrong”, you would realize that you have suddenly opened yourself to new set of possibilities, a new set of experiences, a new found broad vision, a new perspective, a new outlook which is so positive and is such a learning experience. Let’s not be victim of the stereotypes that the world and our experiences present us with. Let’s take those 5 minutes of effort to be empathetic and to listen with the intent of listening and think from other person’s perspective before we conclude. Would be a very happy life, what say?

I am no saint to preach this, I am not even claiming I have attained the art of empathetic listening, but atleast I have realized and I am trying. I sincerely hope sharing my experience would help you to do the same .