Don't leave before you leave

It all starts when a girl child is born. Traditionally we have been bringing up our daughters and sons differently. Please don’t get me wrong here, kindly hear me out. When I say differently I mean not by the things we provide them or how we love them. I mean by the way we treat them, the kind of dreams we show them, the kind of games we play with them…. It differs…don’t you agree? We bring up our son to be fearless, independent, achiever. But also aim to make our daughter independent but we protect her, shield her from the badness of world and imbibe values in her which teach her to “adjust” and be “accommodating” as its required for her future life when she becomes someone’s DIL, wife, mother… According to me it all starts there.

Until very recently and even now the kind of career girls are advised to choose were the ones which would possibly be accepted by her family-to-be and/or would provide her flexibility to manage house and work. And from then, every step, every decision we take is around the “fact” that we would be getting married and would have family very soon. And the funny thing is that “very soon” starts much much sooner than it should have started…. That starts getting reflecting everywhere, the company we choose, the role we choose, the responsibility we choose and sadly so.

It is for this attitude of majority of women is Sheryl Sandberg, COO Facebook, the author of book “Lean In” and my ideal says “Don't leave before you leave”. She got my attention when in one of her talks she said this and it resonated with me because then she actually caught me red-handed. I can list numerous instances when I took a step back, not because anyone asked me to but because it was my own fear of what will happen when I start a family. Those things are so deeply imbibed in our minds by our upbringing, by our society, that it gets difficult to overcome that notion and go about taking new responsibilities, asking for new roles, and being aggressive about the career.

It’s a long road before you get married and long road even after you get married and before you have kids. And it’s a good 9 months even after you conceive. What we should strive for is to find a good partner who values your career equally. There is no point in limiting your possibilities right now for what “might” happen in future. And dude, who knows the future…no one! So today is the day and its full of possibilities, its full of energy and vigor. Everything can be catered to when the time comes. And trust me if you have a fulfilling job where you are needed, respected and rewarded, you will have more motivations to make things happen and there is higher probability that you will continue to have a fulfilling career even after you have family and kid.

Many women chose to enjoy motherhood and dedicate themselves completely to their kid for few years and I have utmost respect for the decision and such women. But even this choice should not stop you from giving your best to your career and have a fulfilling workplace experience. If you leave on a high note having made an impact, I am sure your company would want you back after the long break you decided to take.

So a very strong and relevant message to all beautiful, talented ladies out there please “Don’t leave before you leave” and soon we will be rocking and ruling the workplace J. Amen!

The Unconventional Ones

I have always admired people who go against the flow, against the norms, against the usual and do something different, something unconventional and devote their life to a purpose. They blindly follow their passion. One of the reasons I admire them so much is that may be I would have liked to, but could not really find my passion and don't really have the strong principles to abide by and devote my life to. I am like many others, the majority, who go with the flow and gets shaped by the consequences of life.... May be that's why I admire such gutsy people so deeply as I know what it takes to follow your dream, something I don't have....

I recently met one such guy on my Coorg trip, Abhishek. A botanist, wild life photographer, an environmentalist, working towards wild life and nature conservation and what not! I consider myself very fortunate to have him as guide on a rain forest trail and a hike. The moment I saw him, I felt a strange serenity and peace on his face, I knew this guy is not abiding by the laws of material world. There was something earthy about him....

As we conversed with him, we realized his in-depth knowledge of his field, his passion towards nature. It was only when we asked that he told us that he is from a rich Jain family where he is supposed to become a money making machine but chose otherwise. The way he handled leeches, spiders, flowers...you can feel his deep and true love for it...the unconditional one. He has a set of principles he followed and was very relaxed about it and respected other's way of life too. It was indeed an experience meeting him, being with him for whatever few hours I could.

Meeting Abhishek was a humbling experience but at the same time it showed me mirror, it showed me what I could not be. It made me realize what a life it could be following your passion, living your passion. It would not be as "comfortable" as my life currently is but would indeed be a satisfactory one. I also felt so jealous of how Abhishek could identify his passion, his purpose at such an early age i.e. in school itself.... I just kept feeling why I could not and why I still cannot. I felt its too late since I dont have that "one passion" I could gamble my life for, I better stop dreaming about it...

And that's when I met Megha, my pottery session instructor, the very next day in Coorg. If I am to describe her in one word, it would be butterfly. An arty kind of person (ouch!) in comfortable cotton clothes and an unconventional nose ring. She believed in giving space to the creativity in the person and didn't really nag me while I was playing with clay. But a thought kept bothering me, what could make a person choose a career in pottery and with that inquisitiveness, I started a conversation with her.

Megha has always been the person to whom nothing could interest for more than a while but that didn't stop her from trying to find her passion. As she fondly told me, "currently" she felt connected to pottery and that this gives her solace. She had recently left her well earning job for "pottery". Before pottery it was painting, dancing etc. She confided in me how her mother feels worried about her because of her nature and then she said "If you are following your passion, then nature would provide you."

Megha taught me its never too late, I should keep trying, I should keep exploring and doing things I like and maybe, just maybe someday I will find that one thing I can devote my life to, or maybe I will not. But I should not shy away or stop that exploration. As exploration itself is also a beautiful process. You know what, maybe all my life I won't find that "one" thing. But in that pursuit, I would have tried and explored so many things! Or maybe learning is my thing, learning is my passion, that's something time will tell... For now, salute to all those unconventional ones, those brave ones, those gutsy ones. Mucho respecto!

My Ganpati taught me this

As I have claimed before, as of now, I am an atheist and I have my reasons to be so. I am a rebel but I am not arrogant. So when a friend insisted I make Ganpati this year I happily obliged. To tell you frankly I had a reason, an important reason to make Ganpati. To create. There is no other happiness like creation and I know it very well. So I started with faith in my friend and to experience creation.

It was indeed a beautiful process, the more I started getting involved the more I started loving it. And with all my heart I created ganpati giving attention to as minute detail as I can. It was a fun process and its the same process which made me more and more attached to it each day. And by the time it was ready I had this strong feeling "its mine". And with it came the sulking feeling that I will have to let it go... Even people around me started asking why I would want to do visarjan(immersion) of something I took so much effort on. But thankfully I didn't get tempted to change my mind.

 But I won't deny that I was sad inside. I also proposed to my MIL if we should extend the duration of our Ganpati stay but thankfully she disagreed. Yes, I used word "thankfully" because I had to learn to control the temptation and to 'let go'. Ganpati taught me happiness comes for reason, happiness comes for season and like everything else it should go. It's only when you let go of a happiness will other find its way in your life. It taught me, that when happiness comes it ought to be celebrated with all love, energy and vigor. It taught me that you can only create but not own anything for that matter....like everything else it must take its own destiny and should go.... 

Letting go is such an important lesson to learn for it creates space for new, for it keeps your ego in check, for it allows you to move and progress in life. My ganpati taught me this...

It's beautiful that if you have willingness and open mind how everything has a lesson hidden in it....

As I always believe life is here to teach you and make you better person everyday only if you 

Live to learn and

Learn to live!

Show me their faces, I demand!

Sigh, we are slapped with “yet another” gang-rape. And it enrages me deeply, so intensely, beyond all possible explanations. I just feel so vulnerable and I know each woman in this country shares this emotion with me. So what do I do about it, I try and avoid reading or writing about it, I didn't read news-papers for a few days after such incidents. Even otherwise if I see any mention of rape I turn blind eye on that news. I pretend that its not affecting me, I am still the fearless Komal I knew, I am still “free” and woman of 20^th century who can achieve anything a man can and be the way she wants to be and go where she wants to go and when she wants to.

I assume the plan has worked out fine for me until  one fine day I have a face-off with my pretension. While me and my husband are hiking on a nearby hill, he said “Lets be adventurous” and suggested we climb down the hill from the road less taken from a forest patch. For the fear of not being looked at unadventurous and fattu I reluctantly agreed. All the 20-30 minutes that we were climbing down I was on lookout all the time, the lookout was not for I might encounter snake or reptile or wild animal for that matter. I was on lookout was for the most dangerous of all animals…human. And I realized what became of me…a woman who cannot even climb down a silly hill without the fear of being “gang-raped” for that matter. Paralyzed…concerned…afraid…fattu… that’s what has become of me. Funny enough I cannot even trust what seem to be school going boys. Even the “so-called” minors are capable of such horrendous act. Irony, how can they be called bloody “minors “ if they are capable of doing what they did….

And why don’t I feel afraid, I have no one I can trust. When those, the protector of society, the police don’t think even once before asking questions like “what was that girl doing there” as if being and walking free is only the birth right of men. I just wanted to be adventurous, use my birth right of freedom… but such answers won’t be good enough for them. And why do I feel safe when even I hear news of the police gang raping women in their custody. You know what, I don’t even know which side I would prefer to go if I have “gang-rapists” on one side and “police” on another. I honestly don’t know the answer.

No offence meant here, I know good police men exist, just like good men exist but how am I to trust one…please answer me. And on top of it, you hide faces of such devils. I see TV hoping I get to see what such devils look like. I want to look in their eyes and see what cruelty lies in there. I want to see because I want to remember that look and hopefully identify the “rapist” category of people and beware of them. I would like to believe that they are not normal human beings. They cannot be normal looking human beings, can they? How is one of us capable of such hideous act! Just the thought of the act run shivers down my spine. How can they? No, they cannot be normal looking human beings. They must be having those devilish red eyes, or the horns coming out of their head. I want to believe so and I want to verify that, show me their faces, I demand. 

Alas… I know I would be disappointed… I know they are no different… I know they look like one of us…however hard it is for me to believe but I know they are unidentifiable…they don’t stand out, they are simply one of us! There is no way I can identify them…and possibly protect myself. They can be anytime, anywhere ready to pounce on any of us the moment they get the chance…. That saddens me beyond anything…. I am not safe…I am not free…I can trust NO ONE!

And why they have the privilege of hiding their face. They don’t deserve it! Their face need to be seen by everyone and I say why only face, they must be brought in public and should be paraded naked for that matter! Should they not be given the same treatment they gave to the poor helpless girl…. I know this is not going to happen in this “democratic” country. But the only way to control these animals is to imbibe fear in them and many others in their category. I don’t think we can imbibe “respect for women” in them by any means. No ways, for their act and their mentality, this seems to be a far-fetched idea to me! They should be treated as the act they did, like animals. I think even animals must be feeling ashamed for being compared to these devils.

I have stopped thinking why they do this, its beyond me to justify or reason such acts. I don’t care what and when stringent laws would be implemented and followed for that matter. All I want to feel is “safe”, all I want to be is “free”. All I want is not to worry for my mother, sisters, aunts, daughters…if they would reach home safely every day. All I want is peace of mind. How long do I wait before I get it…..

If I die tomorrow

Don’t worry guys, I am “still” sane and let me assure you I am not planning to die anytime soon. I am there to bug you guys as long as life allows me…But a thought crossed my mind many times…If I die tomorrow.

I get some sweet satisfaction thinking about how my closed ones would react if I die tomorrow. Earlier I thought I the only psycho case. But then I was stunned to find that many people have thought about it “atleast” once and I judged myself to be not as crazy as I think I am ;)

When I think about my death, I think of all the people who would be shocked and would be crying… Then I go to length of imagining what would be reaction of all my closed ones…one by one…in as much detail as my imagination goes. Then I imagine some of my friends posting on Facebook about how “good a person” I was (as after someone’s death you generally don’t put bad things about them even if you want ;)  :D). I have managed to be very dumb and earned some people who, I think, would be happy at my death and I also think about them. I think of all the “good” things people might have to say on my funeral. Yes sir, I do that and I know many of us does that.

I understand its a facet of my imagination but to be honest, I smile while I am thinking of the aftermath of my death because that makes me feel good about myself. Be it in my imagination but I know I am important to people and I "self-certify" myself to be worth mourned for. And somewhere deep I am confident that I have earned myself at least few people who would be crushed by my death, few more people who would genuinely feel sad, and some more who would at least for a day feel bad that I am gone. And we all know that about ourselves and we all have earned these people with different level of closeness and concern about us. I also know that eventually everybody would move on and I would be a memory... fading with a greater speed every day. I know that’s lot of sadism to take, but then boss, fact is fact.

But then I think even if things happen in all the pompous way I imagine it to be, it would be such a waste! It would be such a grand grand waste! All those people would have all the good things and the bad things and all the memories with me to talk about but alas... I won’t be there to listen to it all…. What’s the use talking about that person when he is gone, it would be so much better if we communicate more now. How much sense would it make to value that person when he is long gone, never to return ever again, better say each other how much you value them now. Whats the use of feeling I wish I could I could once explain things to him/her and say her sorry when the other person won’t be able to listen to you, why not just pick up that silly phone and do it now. Now is the key, for all we know the loved one might possibly be gone tomorrow and all the things would be left unsaid. Express, communicate all your feelings now for once the person is gone, you how much ever you try….you won’t reach him/her.

There was this friend of mine whom I lost all of a sudden and then I felt such a void…. I kept feeling I wish I could invite her for the last outing we went to…. I wished I could tell her she was such a wonderful person with such a lively smile. In desperation to communicate to her, even after her death, I kept writing to her for a while hoping I could reach her… off course I could not….

There is this sweet book I was reading a while ago called “Tuesdays with Morrie” which is about a professor, Morrie, who is contracted by a fatal disease and about the lessons of life he gives to one of his very dear student, Mitch, every Tuesday. In that book Morrie told Mitch about how he attended funeral of a friend and all the people there had so many good things and so many memories to share about his friend. “He would have so much loved to hear it all, it was such a waste!” he said. Morrie knew he would be dying soon, so he kept his funeral before he died where all his loved ones came and shared all the memories with him. He could hear it all before he died… everything they had to say.

Not all are fortunate/unfortunate enough to know when they would die. Like Morrie, not everybody would get a chance to attend his pre-funeral funeral. Now is the time people. We are so busy with our “routine”, we take so many things for granted. But most of all we take time for granted. Time flies, it won’t wait. Love, Live, Express, say Sorry, Praise    and most of all Value what you have.

Your children are not your children

I was introduced to this amazing book by a dear friend when I needed it the most. Its called "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. Its one beautiful book and talks about many aspects of life. The more I am reading it, the more its becoming the source of guidance for me, my bible.
There is no mushiness about this book, just facts! Let me stop here as I am in awe of this book and can keep going on and on about it. Just to summarize, imagine, you start reading that book and the first line says "Life is difficult".

Anyways, in various chapters the various aspects and impacts of parents-child relationship are thoroughly discussed. I am not a parent yet but I do aspire to be one and when I would be one, may this book be the guiding force for me.
At one such place in the book is this beautiful poem which I had this dire need to capture and share with you guys, for all Parents and for all Parents to be.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and
 He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

- The Prophet

Shades of grey...

Is anything in life “black” or “white” or just shades of grey!?

Perspective, opinion, impression, conclusion… All of these are very heavy words but we all in no time come up with values for all the above words. It is our basic nature, we all do that, we also have  a fancy term for this “the first impression”.

We look at every situation from our own ‘glasses’, the ‘glasses’ whose number is decided by our own share of experiences and whose shade is decided by the nature of experiences. What these glasses do, they look at the situation and declare it “right” or “wrong”. Is our perspective enough to judge the situation? How many of us take the efforts to look at the situation from another person’s perspective? We might be trying to, but then how many times could we actually successfully do it? When you try and look at a situation from someone else’s glasses that you might realize that its neither “right” nor “wrong”, neither “white” nor “black” but just shades of grey!

Let’s take an example, we see a lady wearing short dress and smoking and drinking in the pub and we immediately conclude “ ill-mannered, ill-cultured, selfish babe”! Is it always true? Do we really know her as a person? Are we not being too harsh on her? Are we not stereotyping her? Someone might say, what’s the problem with me judging her, I mean her no harm. Now imagine next day you go to office and the same lady is the new joinee in your team and as your colleague. Now by judging her already, you have created a perception about her and her every action and effort would be viewed with some prejudice. It would take a while before that prejudice would change and the harm might be already done by then. Is it fair for you and/or for the other person for that matter?

Let me take another example of a situation I went through very recently. I was having bad time and a particular bad day where I was hurt by expectations I had from closed ones. I decided I would go for a massage and entered the spa irritated and skeptical about how the masseur would be. The masseur comes and she is a thin very lady with minimum hygiene and with what seemed to me to a septic eye infection. I was all furious and almost felt like crying over my bad luck. In that rage, I didn’t greet her and replied to her queries in mono-syllable. But then I went inside, while I got my 5 minutes to change, I made a conscious decision to not let my “first impression” rule my massage experience. “I came here to de-stress myself and not to judge someone for next 1 hour or so” is what I told myself. So I took a 5 minutes effort and strike a conversation with her about her experience, her education, her background and in the entire process calling her by her first name(which by the way makes a huge difference). I immediately realized she is very qualified in her field and what I thought of as septic eye infection is her lost eye…. She had achieved all that she had with a single eye…. I felt so thankful that I took that 5 minute to understand her, to strike chord with her, to connect with her. And not to mention she was highly skilled and I had an amazing massage experience. I also praised her at the end for her massage and the smile on her face was priceless. I saved myself from a troubled experience and her from a rude client :D. All it took was 5 minutes of effort to look at things from her perspective…to understand her.

Do I manage to do it every time, hell no! I am always in too much of hurry to come to conclusion especially with loved ones. My husband is the one who suffers the most from my prejudices, my conclusions, my paradigm. But I have realized that all it takes to save both party trouble is 5 minutes of pure thinking, 5 minutes of listening. Is listening enough or there’s more to it? I did this course my manager thought I should. There were few take aways from it, very important ones. They asked a simple questions, “How many times do we listen with the intent of listening and not with the intent of speaking/reacting?”, “How many times do we simply try to understand the other person’s emotions without being judgmental about it from our own set of paradigm?”. I honestly thought about it and was surprised that its bloody true, I seldom do that. As soon as some person starts to share his/her problem with me, I start looking at it from my glasses and even the suggestions or advice I give is what my glasses suggest me. Why I don’t just listen, try and understand the situation from the other person’s perspective. Why can’t I simply remove my glasses and listen empathetically? Empathy is missing…. And without empathy even if I take those 5 minutes to understand the person or the situation I would do so from my glasses. All efforts wasted.

You must have noticed that how the perspective towards a particular situation changes as soon as we experience it! Reason, our glasses now have stored that experience as “right” as opposed to “wrong” (or vice-versa) that it was earlier. But we all are not fortunate enough to have experienced everything in the world and hence won’t always get chance to modify our perspective on many situations. So I suggest, take  a moment, be empathetic, look at the situation from the other person’s ‘glasses’. Your vision might not suddenly change from “black” to “white” or vice-versa but you might realize the shades of grey which you never thought existed.

Once you realize there is nothing like “right” or “wrong”, you would realize that you have suddenly opened yourself to new set of possibilities, a new set of experiences, a new found broad vision, a new perspective, a new outlook which is so positive and is such a learning experience. Let’s not be victim of the stereotypes that the world and our experiences present us with. Let’s take those 5 minutes of effort to be empathetic and to listen with the intent of listening and think from other person’s perspective before we conclude. Would be a very happy life, what say?

I am no saint to preach this, I am not even claiming I have attained the art of empathetic listening, but atleast I have realized and I am trying. I sincerely hope sharing my experience would help you to do the same .

Façade

“We all have a social mask, right? We put it on, we go out, put our best foot forward, our best image. But behind that social mask is a personal truth, what we really, really believe about who we are and what we're capable of.”  -Phil McGraw

Façade - a deceptive outward appearance. This is how we are living… that’s what has become of most of us including me. Very conveniently and comfortably we have put up a façade…a social mask.

 It’s a story of the 21^st century, we are surrounded by all these “friends” on social networking site but still alone… We talk to everyone but don’t communicate… Everybody knows everything about everyone through their updates but still there is so little they know… We have all this innumerous means of entertainment but still feel alone within… There is so much noise outside still a haunting silence inside… Something is missing ain’t it?

Has it ever happened to you that you suddenly confront a Facebook friend, who in Facebook world is all gaga over your updates and now when he/she is actually in front of you, you have nothing to talk to you about. You cannot even communicate comfortably for 5 minutes…. A very common situation, isn’t it? And it leaves you all puzzled…why such? The answer is simple, we update but we don’t connect. We show only the “best” and what you think might interest your friends or for that matter get maximum likes.

The question still remains, why we do this, why this façade. There are two parts to this question:

1.       What is the need to put the social mask even if its all so fake?

2.       Assuming I need these people around whom I call friends, then why can’t I show what I truly am.

The answer to 1^st one is easier.Man has always been a social animal. Sharing is his basic need. Society, community, caste, religion all these words exist and reflects what we are to the core. Our grand celebrations and long mourning rituals are the proof of the same. The need and the length of socializing differs from person to person but the fact remains and that is human being need sharing, affection, love, sympathy, attention and social networking give us all!

Second question is more tricky to answer. Because if socializing is basic need of human being, why don’t you see most of the people sharing their sad side, their dark side, their true emotions. Everybody(offcourse including me) loves to put a perfect picture of their so-called ideal life, showcasing only their beautiful moments and beautiful pictures… I will try and answer that on my behalf as it wont be fair to use “we” here and I will leave it upto you if my thoughts resonate with yours.

I am a very social person. But even such a social person like me don’t like to put up my “not happy” emotions out there for I fear being judged, to be looked upon as a psycho case or with sympathy or disgust. I don’t want that! On social networking I am surrounded by all these “friends” who hardly know me and I fear they will start judging me and wrongly so in no time.  We all have faces/emotions…faces we wanna only keep to our near and dear ones. Some faces so dark that we ourselves refrain from facing them. How can we bear the thought of sharing it with others. I see myself facing same emotions, fear, dilemma while blogging too. Even on quora most controversial and truthful answer are given by “anonymous” people and the on twitter given by all funky names with no one ready to reveal their identity.

No wonder Oscar said “Give man a mask and he will tell you the truth”

For me façade is ok as long as I don’t wear that mask forever. As long as I am truthful to myself, as long as I have a closed group who can accept me with what I am. As long as the evil face inside me doesn’t grow so dark that I cannot look at myself because there Is no hurt like not being able to look at yourself in mirror!

Nothing lasts forever...well...almost nothing!

I vividly remember the first time (as long as my memory goes) I got hurt real bad by a friend. The place when she was saying all the bad things to me and I was simply crying (Oh I used to be expert at that!). That day, that hurt was center of my existence then. And at that moment I felt I will never forget this hurt. 

~~chuckles~~. Now that I look back, I have  a good laugh at the incident and how I felt soooo immensely about it and how I thought it would stay with me “forever”. And then came many incident I felt equally strong about which I thought would stay with me forever like “the way my heart used to melt every time I looked at my first crush”, “that big fight with my best friend”, “that first kiss”, “leaving my parents to come to Pune”, “that first salary”, “that first confrontation with loss of loved ones”, “the bliss feeling when I first looked at the blue water of Maldives”…the list can go on! Many of these would also feel very petty to you when you now look at it, but Gosh those were center of my universe then, something I thought would stay with me forever be the it Love, the pain, the loss, the anger, the frustration…. Did it? Offcourse it didn’t, you like it or not “nothings stays forever”. Offcourse I remember the incidents but it doesn’t inflict any strong emotion in me. Surely not with the strong intensity it was then.

I remember a friend of mine saying one “You know, memories are fading, the intensity is fading, I don’t even remember her face now, its fading. Memories are not enough, they are fading. I thought I could live on her memories alone, but looks like I cant, memories are fading too, I need to move on!” These were words from a person who loved immensely and lost her…like forever…. And that day, that very day I felt, nothing lasts forever…. It cannot, its not practical and I believe for everyone’s good it should not!

Funny enough, we say life is too short to hold grudges but its long enough to help us forget those grudges and just move on! Irony of life I must say.

Well, it’s a bad news but trust me it’s a good news too. Bad news because I wanna feel what it felt like being on the top of Switzerland’s peak but I just cannot! Bad news because I want to remember that every “first time” in life but I cannot, surely not with the same intensity! Bad news because I wish I cud trap all the wonderful memories in a box called mind and just replay them every time I felt like, note by note…emotion by emotion. Well bad news, I cannot! But the good side, I don’t get to remember the heart breaks ;), the hurt, the grudges, having hurt someone (as I am of opinion, getting hurt is always easy to forget than hurting someone), the pain, the sadness, the trauma. Well there is advantages of this “buggy” feature of my mind, I get to happily forget all the horrible memories, the memories I don’t want, rather I don’t need to carry baggage of!

Such is human nature, such are we evolved, to keep the past behind, not cling to it for happiness or pain and just move on! Its beauty and beast at the same time. Never ceases to amaze me and give me more and more reason to chuckle at myself with the same thought every time “What was I thinking then!!!” It’s a necessary evil, aint it!?!

The Happy faces! The Proud faces!

 Remember this happiness, this relieved feeling.... The feeling that we have accomplished it and there's no stopping us! Here comes the board result and with it the newspaper filled with such happy and content faces. Look at the deadly combination of innocence, happiness and proud feeling....its rare. Ever thought what must be going through their minds... I find some strange kind of happiness looking at those pics which I cannot define, but I just genuinely feel happy. May be these pics connect me back to my memories...the board exam results!

Board exam, the most dreaded devil, the one which our parents repeatedly told us would define us and our Future and we believed them :). I remember giving everything I had to these board exams, the 10th std and more so for the 12th std. Those odd hours of study, the tension, those ambitions.

12th std board exam, that's the most ambitious I ever felt, that's the most effort I have ever put to achieve something. There was this powerful driving force driving me, the biggest being to make my parents proud, the second being to get admission in my dream college, the third being see my picture in the newspaper and last being to prove myself I have it and that I can do it!

And then the "judgement day", the results day, the most awaited yet dreaded day. As its always with me, I can hardly eat any food when I am in tension, I hardly talk and that day was no different. And then the unbelievable result...all the hard work being paid off and all the Goals achieved! That's the happiest and most proud I felt about myself till date! Me and my parents could not stop smiling...the way they looked at me....that feeling is priceless...can never forget their faces. That day I felt maybe...just maybe...I could payback, although in a small way, for all that they have done for me... Then started the gifts and sweets being showered by all the loved ones... I was on cloud 9! The felicitations, the attention...wow!

But the BEST moment is when my Dad told me "Till now I was known as Dr.Nawandar....today is my proudest moment as I am being known as my daughter's Dad". Tell me... can any happiness, any gifts, anything ever compare to this.... No wonder I feel so happy looking at those happy faces, the parent's proud faces...it just connects me to my best memories till date, somethings I will cherish and take inspiration from all my life...

Now why I am sharing all this. No sir! I am not bragging, just sharing my most precious memories. And with this wondering where did the heady zest go, why I never felt the same at any other point in my life. If we look back we know we have achieved many more things than the 12th board exam but never felt the same happiness.... Wondering why... what is that we have lost growing old.... Got to hunt it down!

Lets get liberalized in its true sense

It all started running through my mind when an intern friend from IIT B commented in a party, “Its difficult to be a girl in an IIT. If you achieve something guys say it must be Easy. And if you cannot do something, you are a girl, its not your cup of tea”. I found it humiliating and was very angry at first and I almost immediately told her don’t worry we will prove everyone otherwise. And I realized there it starts! The struggle to find your place in this male dominated society (Yes I say that and I stand by it because atleast for this generation it’s a fact in India. Things have improved but its still a fact.) The constant struggle to prove yourself and does that end only at workspace…no…that attitude continues and you wanna prove yourself at home as a good home maker, then when you have kid you got to prove you can be a wonderful mother too! Are we not expecting too much of ourselves, trying to balance everything and expecting to excel bloody everywhere?

And then there is this "unsaid" perception of this 21st century society that you are a “new age” and “complete” woman only if you strikes the balance between home and office. And in pursuit to get this recognition, we stretch ourselves so much and try to prove yes we can do it all! To me it feels like too much of pressure and burden. At workspace whenever any women is getting recognition, it always mentioned she has kids, family, home and balancing everything as if that’s one of the criteria to get that recognition. I am not denying the fact that ofcourse it’s a tough job. But if you choose not to
do this why it makes you any less an achiever in life. But it’s always portrayed so and many of us fall prey to it.

But the burden does not necessarily come from society or outside world. We Women are cursed with this big emotion “Guilt”. I know this friend of mine who was had a successful career and then left job to take care of the child. She is giving complete love and care to child and on top of it I always see her going out of way to do things that her husband loves. She gets tired and frustrated but still continues doing it. One day I asked her to take a chill pill. I told her, ask your husband to help you and he must understand even if some things are not done his way. And then she said “Are! he works so much and supports family, I am just sitting home, I can do atleast this much” and I realized it’s a not a request coming from husband, it’s a self-imposed burden! Guilt of not contributing to family financially. Again expecting too much of ourselves! Why we women do this to ourselves?! We are our biggest critic!

So much of stress is taxing us, the abortion rate has increased drastically and you ask doctors, they contribute it to our stressful life style. More and more women are falling prey to depression. Why all this, to be looked at as “21st century women” or to find position and respect in male dominated society or we are just groomed to expect more of ourselves!

I am not saying its bad to try and balance everything. No way! But lets do it only if we feel like. Not because everyone else is doing it. And more importantly I am saying that if you by choice or by circumstances cannot do it, there is no need to feel any lesser or feel guilty. If you are a career oriented women and cannot be a good home maker, its so ok! Why feel guilty?! We, the women of this generation should embrace this attitude and only then can we pass this to our daughters. Because there is need to feel liberated, to be burdened with our own expectations with ourselves is not the right way to live. We need to groom our sons that your mother/wife can very well be a careerist and you should be ok with it and rather support her. And actions speak louder than words. We need to embrace this attitude ourselves first without feeling guilty about it. Its only then we will achieve equality in true sense.

I wish I could believe in something called GOD!

Disclaimer: This blog is not meant to defame GOD or disrespect any who believe in HIM. These are strictly my opinion.

I was once a believer in GOD. Actually, I wont call myself a believer as I thought of HIM as per my convenience, mostly when I was in trouble ;). But I never had anything against him. I had a good equation with HIM, a convenient one.

And then Life started unfolding...bit by bit...and my "so-called" belief in HIM started fading. I would contribute it partly to my atheist husband. My relation with God saw its phases from believing --> to hating --> to don't care --> to non-believing and now you can, very well, call me an atheist!
But there are days when I miss believing in some external entity, lets say God. I miss believing "blindly" on something as it has its own advantages. If I would be believer I would have done the following:
If something bad happens:
    - God why did you do this to me?
    - God will set it all right.
    - I must have done something wrong to deserve this.
If you do some mistake:
    - I am sorry God, please forgive me. Seek solace in Him.
If you are happy/achieved something
    - Thanks you God! Its all because of your blessings.

Be it happiness, victory, loss, sadness, guilt... Be it any emotion and you have something/someone to share it with. You alone are not responsible for your life. This also comes with fear of HIM, secretly forcing you to tame the animal in us and hopefully to do whats right.

I see so many believers going through bad times in their life and still saying with a calm face "God will set it right". Boss! At times, I envy such blind faith and strength that they derive from it! Total respect!

As for an atheist, the poor chap (by choice), he has to draw all the strength from within as he has held himself responsible to overcome/face/enjoy all the emotions alone.
There are no complaints when things are good. But as sadness strikes, he must draw courage to face it and eventually (now that's the hard part) find "hope" too. When he makes mistakes, he has to be the whole and sole bearer of guilt. He has no one to say sorry to and ask for forgiveness. He must forgive himself, which by the way is not easy as it seems/sounds. He must always keep up his antenna and should be honestly able to judge whats right and wrong as no fear is driving his actions (except of loved ones).
This affair can get really taxing and I at times I secretly wish if I could "blindly" share responsibility of my life with an "Almighty" like entity.

But is this enticing enough to make me a believer in HIM? I don't think so! Being an atheist is making me stronger than ever. YES, I make mistakes but I learn, learn, I always learn and I will keep learning. I am responsible for all my mistakes and hence I am the only person responsible to set it right. My sadness is only mine to have and hence I must find the happiness from within to overcome it. And my victory, my happiness, I don't need to share or attribute it to someone. Not a bad deal I say! What say you?

P.S. Its my way of life and my opinion. No pun intended.